The beginning of the "Little Miss" Series - Little Miss Sad Girl.

I use to worry about being the sad friend. The person who you call and they never seem to be happy about anything. Always crying. Always complaining. Always gloomy about .. something. I would fake a smile. I would try to make a joke of my problems, thinking humor would mask my sorrows. But honestly, fuck that. I am the sad friend. And I have alot to be sad about.

I was diagnosed with GAD and MDD in 2021. I didnt know what that was at the time but it stands for 'Generalized Anxeity Disorder' and 'Major Depression Disorder'. I was always a very anxious child, so the first one made alot of sense, but major depression disorder? It was hard to wrap my head around it. I mean yes, I got sad and listened to sad music like a typical girl ... yes i would lay in bed all day if I could and cry and not change my clothes and not want to brush my teeth or shower or .... ok. Maybe that diagnosis was more than apporiate.

I've always handled this struggle on my own. My friends back then had no idea how intense my depression could be. As I got older, it just got tougher to keep it hidden.

At 27, I'm going through the toughest depression I've ever faced. Becoming a mom for the first time has been way more challenging than I imagined. From the moment I brought my baby home, I was hit with a huge wave of loneliness. Those late-night feedings every couple of hours and the lack of sleep really messed with my mental health. The father of my child wasn't around as much as I needed him to be. I guess men just don't get the changes we go through after having a baby. Trying to juggle being a new mom and a girlfriend was just too much. My baby needed me more, right? So, I decided to pour all my love, time, and energy into my son. But this choice really strained my relationship. I was the one doing all the diaper changes, making all the bottles, and spending endless hours calming a fussy baby by myself. I just couldn't give anything to someone who made me feel unsupported. This time left me with a deep resentment towards him, a feeling that still lingers even now.

I tcompletely lost myself in motherhood while trying to be a good mom. I'm always just trying to get by. It feels like I'm living the same day on repeat. No one ever talks about not loving the whole motherhood thing. That's exactly where I am. I love my son; he means everything to me. But sometimes, I'm just soooooo unhappy with how my life is going. Every day, it's always SOMETHING.

Something to buy.

Something to pay.

Something to fix.

Something to clean.

Something to cook.

How do I find time to do my hair, wash my ass, and change clothes when my life revolves around a little one? He's fed, bathed, and his hair is combed. And then there's me. What used to be tough because I was depressed is now impossible simply because I don't have the time. After having my son, I felt like I disappeared. My needs, my wants, my dreams—they no longer mattered. Without my mom's help, I honestly don't know where I'd be. She's my shoulder to cry on... but I know having a sad kid can be exhausting.

How can I start loving myself again? How do I look in the mirror and appreciate my body? I've always been around 110lbs, and now I'm at 185lbs. It's tough to like what I see. I think having a community, like a group of women going through the same thing, might help. Women who get what I'm dealing with could make life feel less lonely. Also, if my boyfriend were more supportive and we didn't go months without being intimate, I might not feel so alone.

Honestly, I have no clue what would make things better for me. The meds my doctor gave me work sometimes. But as my doctor puts it, "You can't treat life." ..

I can definitely say I'm just a chronic sad girl.